GAY AREA

Past the Honeymoon Stage

Most of us have experienced that heady, erotic, adrenaline driven experience called falling in love. Some of us have enjoyed it once or twice, and others have been there too many times to count. Regardless of the frequency of this sweet ride, most consider it wonderful. We sing, smile a lot, fantasize endlessly about our next encounter with Mr. or Ms Right, usually lose weight because we're not getting enough sleep, and dare to dream that this could be the one. This period is called the Honeymoon Stage of the relationship and, unfortunately, as sweet as it is, it cannot last. No one can sustain the full intensity of such an experience over time. As the honeymoon is winding down or coming to a screeching halt depending upon the styles of the participants, some decide they've fallen out of love and are off to find another wild ride. For others, the change is the signal that they've entered into the second stage of relationship.

I have heard people say they could almost hear the click when they went from one stage to another. That sweet woman whom they couldn't keep their eyes off of suddenly begins to sound like Mom, or that mesmerizing hunk of burning love becomes the other side of an old familiar power struggle. There are lots of different labels for this second stage contingent upon the various struggles announcing its arrival. Some examples follow:

1) The Power Struggle Stage - Every couple has to address issues of power and control. Who is in power? Who makes the decisions? How is the power distributed in the relationship? Sometimes an abrupt change in the distribution of power proclaims the end of the honeymoon stage.

2) The Fighting Stage - All couples experience disagreements and anger. The key is how do they solve disagreements or manage anger? Often the first real fight moves a couple to the second stage of relationship. Sometimes the second stage is primarily characterized by disagreements and fighting.

3) The Disillusionment Stage - You are not who I thought you were. My dreams are not going to be realized. Did I create an illusion and fall in love with it? Every relationship has a certain degree of illusion making and subsequent disillusionment announcing the end of the honeymoon. Typically, this is known as falling off the pedestal.

4) The Transference Stage - Issues from our past relationships affect the quality of our present relationship especially if there are unaddressed issues of trauma or abuse. The truth is we all bring our issues from the past into our relationships and the more important someone is to us the more likely we are to bring those issues to life. For example, if our new found love is having a moment of reverie gazing thoughtfully out of the window and we interpret that behavior as hostile withdrawal reminiscent of our stepmother's treatment of us when we were a child, chances are we experiencing transference. Essentially, when our past begins to distort the reality of our present relationship, we are well into the second stage.

5) The Working Stage - Whether the second stage of a relationship is characterized by one or all of the above examples, it requires some effort to manage the issues that have surfaced. It does not mean that the fun is over. It does mean that the relationship has moved to a new level; and if the fun is going to continue, these issues need to be faced.

It is tempting to treat the end of the honeymoon stage as a bad thing. Actually just the opposite is true. If the relationship is to grow and deepen, it has to move beyond the first stage, as exciting and wonderful as it is, into the growing pains of the second stage.

The bottom line is, the second stage is about our own personal growth. We have to face the ghosts of our old pathological patterns and disfunctional defenses if we are going to sustain the relationship. Now isn't that great news! We find the partner of our dreams and then discover that if we are going to ride off into the sunset with our find, we have to develop some self awareness and probably address some old unfinished business. Not surprisingly for many of us, it is just too much trouble. We would rather hop from honeymoon to honeymoon, relishing the early stage and taking our leave when the work begins.

Of course, the same process is going on with our partner. About the same time we are being triggered by some perceived irritating imperfection in our prince and/or princess, chances are they are being driven up the wall by something in ourselves which we deem to be innocent or misunderstood. Not only are our old ghosts surfacing, they are consorting with the ghosts of our partner. The ensuing dance can be both provocative and painful.

Unfortunately, the dance or pattern can also be familiar. It has not missed the attention of those who study relationships that we often ingeniously and unconsciously choose potential partners with issues that provoke our own and vice-versa. This appears to be driven by a need for psychic repair. Unfortunately, it also appears that we can repeat the pattern over and over again with partner after partner until we finally get it - or not. The optimistic perspective is that this new relationship is opportunity for growth. The spiritual perspective is that it is no accident that this very person has come into our lives.

So the second stage of relationship is about both parties attempting to learn how to live with another human being in a way that promotes their own and their partner's healing and personal growth. Sounds kind of intimidating doesn't it? Here you are thinking you are just enjoying the titillating excitement of the honeymoon stage and you might be about to embark on a transformative experience for both parties. Attempting to navigate this second stage is challenging to say the least. Sometimes the participants discover that there is not a sufficient match to support or sustain the growth of both parties; sometimes they discover the level of commitment and hard work it requires is beyond their willingness or skill; and sometimes they discover they need the help of a professional to assist them through unknown and possibly frightening territory.

This is probably the best place to correct a possible misunderstanding. Talking about all this work gives the impression that we have no choice but to abandon the euphoria of the honeymoon stage for the salt mines of the second stage where we are doomed to slave away masochistically pursuing an illusive process that takes an indeterminate amount of time for questionable results. If true, it would make sense to bolt the second the honeymoon begins to wane. Realistically, the second stage does involve work, but if it is not balanced by growing satisfactions, a generous helping of delight, and occasional moments of bliss, it would make sense to question continued participation.

This brings us to the third stage of relationship, called the practicing stage, which involves putting to use all the things that have been learned in the second stage. It is important to point out that this process is not strictly linear. The third stage does not happen all at once; it gradually emerges as we grow through the second stage. Also, life is always is serving us new challenges and we, individually or in tandem with our partner, are routinely called upon to revisit the second working stage. However, each experience builds upon the last and gets easier as we practice.

Ideally, the third stage is the place where a new kind of love can be experienced which makes the honeymoon version pale by comparison. It is a love that is capable of revisiting the pleasure and excitement of that honeymoon experience but is not primarily defined by that excitement. This love comes from a part of us that lay dormant before we began the task of self discovery that being in a working relationship demands. It is a love born of the mutual risk of vulnerability and the creation of ever deepening more intimate connections with our partner.

Most of us, in the course of our lives, make several attempts at getting this relationship thing down and have had our false starts, agonizing disappointments, and necessary but unpleasant learning experiences. We might even see the rationale behind hopping from honeymoon to honeymoon expecting little else. Then again, maybe if we understand the process and the potential reward, we will be able to not only savor the honeymoon stage but all that lies beyond as well.