GAY AREA

Good Enough Gay Parents

By Jeff Lutes

A few years ago, I told some of my male friends that my partner and I were considering adoption. I was caught off guard when they looked at me like I had a third eye in the middle of my forehead. That experience taught me that many gay men had never seriously considered parenting as an option. But now that's changing. Current estimates suggest that as many as 10 million children in our country live with 3 million gay or lesbian parents, and the numbers are growing. Historically, most gay men and lesbian woman have raised children conceived during a previous heterosexual marriage.

Now, many of us are creating families through adoption, insemination, surrogate parenting, or by becoming foster parents. In recent years, I've noticed that more of my clients are exploring their maternal and paternal instincts. What seems really new is the growing number of men who are starting families together, or who are actively planning to do so in the future.

In considering this prospect, most gays and lesbians have to work through the culturally conveyed belief that we are not fit to be good parents. Relax. Dozens of studies in the fields of psychology, psychiatry, sociology, anthropology, and medicine have shown that children raised by same-sex parents are just as psychologically well-adjusted as those raised by heterosexual parents. The empirical evidence is overwhelmingly strong; those who are interested can go to www.apa.org for a thorough summary of the research by the American Psychological Association.

Most adults, gay or straight, have fears about their ability to be good parents. That's normal. To not have some fears would mean you were obtuse. But luckily, most of these fears turn out to be overblown or completely unfounded. The truth is that once you are a parent, you will most likely rise to the occasion and do what needs to be done to raise your children into reasonably healthy adults. Will you make mistakes? Absolutely. A straight friend of mine recently told me that he started a college fund when his daughter was born. Now that she's entering adolescence, he's thinking about opening a therapy fund!

Gay and lesbian couples can be just as caring and nurturing with their children as heterosexual parents (or just as dysfunctional). What matters most, of course, is how well we are able to help our children feel loved and understood. D.W. Winnicott, an influential psychoanalyst, wrote that children become happy and healthy adults when they have "good-enough" parents. His message is that we don't have to be (and can't be) perfect parents; we just need to provide a safe and reasonably stable environment in which the child feels loved, cared for, and valued. This is an important point because gay dads and lesbian moms sometimes try to be "super-parents" in order to prove themselves to those who oppose gay parenting or to compensate for the ostracism a child might face for having a different family structure. I admit, as a father and a therapist, I sometimes worry that every mistake I make will scar my son for life. Then I remind myself that I only need to be "good-enough".

We may worry that our children will be harmed by being teased and ridiculed because they have two mommies, or two daddies. While it's true that they may face some prejudice, it's also true that they will probably have the tools to deal with it. Our kids will learn a lot about society's ignorance and bias, but if we are emotionally present and listening compassionately, such trials can build strength of character and teach tolerance and sensitivity toward others. Remember that all kids get teased about something at some point. We can't protect our children from everything or prevent every negative experience. Nor should we. There is value in both diversity and adversity. No parent is capable of meeting a child's every need. But, when parents feel proud and secure, this gets relayed to the child and gives him or her the strength to handle other people's response to their nontraditional family. We may worry about the impact children will have on the adult relationship with our partner. Well, I guarantee that your relationship will change when you become a parent. I have been asked if parenting strains or strengthens my relationship with my partner. My answer is both. Having a child has forced us to deal with some challenging issues in our relationship and the daily grind of parenting can be totally exhausting and extremely stressful. On the other hand, I frequently catch myself admiring my partner as he takes advantage of a "teaching moment" with our son. In these moments, I experience a beautiful part of my partner that I might not otherwise get to see. Watching him love our son opens up new and joyful parts of me, and I fall deeper in love with both of them.

The decision about whether or not to parent a child is perhaps the most important choice a person will make in his or her lifetime. Not all of us want to be parents and that's all right. Choosing to parent does not make a person more virtuous or noble, and choosing not to parent does not make a person self-absorbed or puerile. It's just a choice you make for a different kind of life, if you desire it, and have the personality and resources to do it. Of course, it is vital that you spend a lot of time evaluating your suitability as a parent. Talk to your partner, your friends, your family, and consult with a therapist. Take a parenting class, read books, educate yourself on-line, or join a support group. Be honest with yourself about whether or not you have the time, finances, and emotional resources to start a family. Perhaps the most important consideration is whether or not you love who you are as a person, because you can't give a child something you don't have yourself. Interestingly, this long process of exploration and planning is one of the strengths about gay and lesbian parenting. We rarely have an accidental "Oops, I'm pregnant!" experience. If we do all the research, soul searching, and hurdle jumping that it takes to have a child, we can be pretty sure that our little one will be cherished, loved, and adored. Good luck!